Study shows Forced apologies can harm children

Arguments between children are normal - as is apologizing afterwards. But here you can find out why forced apologies often have the opposite effect and cause more harm than good.

It's easy for children to get into fights - they push, bully and test boundaries. Caregivers often resort to a quick solution: "Now you apologize immediately." But these forced apologies can do more harm than good.

A study by the University of Michigan observed children between the ages of four and nine and found that enforced apologies fail to achieve their actual purpose - namely to show remorse and repair relationships.

Acknowledging the child's feelings

"If you force your child to apologize, it will backfire," explains study author and researcher at the U-M Center for Human Growth and Development, Craig Smith.

Forced apologies are perceived as insincere by other children, which can even increase the rejection of the apologizing child.

Instead, psychologist and parenting consultant Becky Kennedy also advises acknowledging the child's feelings and modeling a sincere apology.

She emphasizes: "Refusing to apologize is not a sign that your child is cold-hearted or malicious. Rather, it is a sign that your child has massive feelings of guilt."

Making amends through action

The study suggests that it makes more sense to let children develop empathy for the child who has been hurt before apologizing. "Explain to your child why the other person feels bad and make sure they are really ready to apologize," advises researcher Smith.

Caregivers can also point out different ways to make amends. Research shows that even preschoolers appreciate it when the offending child makes amends through action.

Sometimes these actions are more effective than words. For example, as a parent or caregiver, you can help a child rebuild a Lego tower that has fallen over.