Father thanks to surrogate mother Olivier Borer: "We were accused of having bought a child"

Olivier Borer became a father six months ago thanks to surrogacy. In an interview with blue News, he explains why it wasn't easy and what criticism he and his husband have had to listen to in recent months.

The first part of the interview with SRF presenter Olivier Borer on this topic appeared on blue News last Friday.

Olivier Borer, your website says: "I'm not a loudspeaker. I like the quiet, subtle tones." Since you became a father, you have regularly published Instagram stories about your family. Why are you so outspoken?

Homosexuality is no longer a taboo subject, but surrogacy is. Did you know that 60 percent of all surrogate babies go into heterosexual relationships and only 20 percent into homosexual partnerships?

No, I didn't know that.

It's easier for a heterosexual couple to hide the fact that a surrogate was involved, but not for a male couple.

"We realize that we don't conform to the norm with our family model," you said in an interview. Is this the reason why you talk so openly about the surrogacy model?

I am firmly convinced that people like us are needed to put a face to the issue. With the birth of our son Naël, we were able to initiate a debate.

After you went public, there was some harsh criticism.

I knew that there would be critical voices. It was no different when I came out. That's why I made the following rule beforehand: I deliberately don't read any comments on stories about us that appear online. However, there were also strong reactions that were sent to me directly by email - most of them anonymous.

An anonymous sender wrote: "These stupid faggots (...) think they can practically buy a child." And further: "A child needs a mother (...), have you ever thought about what this poor child is told at school? Lead your shitty life, but leave the children alone!"

Of course that hurts. But there was also some serious criticism. A 70-year-old man who was adopted wrote to me saying that he had suffered all his life because he was not allowed to get to know his father.

Did you write back to the man?

Yes, I wrote to the man saying I was sorry that he had never been able to meet his biological father. With our son Naël, however, we are deliberately taking a different approach. Naël knows right from the start who his mummy is and also who the woman who donated the egg is, i.e. his biological mother.

Were there any other unpleasant comments?

One woman wrote on my Instagram account: "Do you also notice that gay men who become fathers through surrogacy usually have a baby boy?" This comment hit me brutally hard.

Did you delete it?

My husband and I discussed what we should do. He was initially in favor of deleting it. I thought we should leave the comment because otherwise we would be practising censorship. Before we did anything, however, my Instagram bubble had already switched on and reprimanded the woman.

There were certainly some nice reactions.

Quite a lot, in fact. In recent weeks and months, I've been approached on the street a lot - interestingly, mainly by women. I have the feeling that women are more relaxed about the subject of surrogacy. I had a particularly nice encounter with an older woman at the streetcar stop. The woman smiled as I walked past her with the baby carriage, then she said: "Gellen, you're the one from the TV. I wish you and your son all the best."

Were the various hostilities one reason why you've taken a break from social media in recent weeks?

It's funny that you should ask me that now. I only recently realized that I hadn 't posted anything for a while. I haven't really taken a break consciously.

Will you continue to post about your son growing up on Instagram?

I think so, yes. But between you and me: every now and then I ask myself why I'm doing this at all?

I know why.

Why?

Because you love looking at Naël. In an interview, you said that your husband said you might as well call the little one Netflix because you just can't stop watching him.

That's true - but I like Naël even better. And we haven't renewed our Netflix subscription.

It was unclear for a long time that you and your husband could become parents. Who came up with the idea of surrogacy?

I was the driving force behind this story. At some point, the topic became more and more present because more and more children were being born in our circle of friends, who are probably 80 percent heterosexual.

How long did the actual process take?

It took five years from the decision that we wanted to try surrogacy to the birth of Naël.

What were the most important tasks?

We had to make several big decisions. It started with the choice of egg donor. We found that difficult at first.

Why?

This woman makes up 50 percent of Naël. The woman's appearance was less important to us than whether we liked her. We also made sure that we could get in touch with the woman.

This is not normally the case with surrogacy.

Exactly, the egg cell is donated anonymously - unless the woman says yes to getting to know us beforehand.

What happened next?

The next step was to find a surrogate mother. This process was made even more difficult by the coronavirus pandemic. When the decision had to be made, travel to the USA was prohibited and the borders were still closed. The woman, her partner and the two of us had to make several video calls to decide whether we wanted to try together. Between us, we hit the jackpot with the belly mommy and her family.

What do you mean?

The belly mommy's whole family is supporting the project. Her partner, with whom she has two children, accompanied her to every medical check-up. He didn't have to do that. Feeling this support was also good for us. During the birth, it was noticeable how proud the husband was of his wife for making this great gift possible.

A gift that is not free. Did you never have any moral reservations?

Yes, my husband and I looked into the subject intensively beforehand and read a few books on the subject. Our considerations included: Is society ready for a surrogate child? Can we and do we want to put our child through this? Because it is also clear that saying yes to surrogacy is a selfish decision. We were unable to ask Naël in advance what he thought of our idea of becoming parents. The following questions were also important: Is surrogacy medically justifiable? And what happens to the woman who carries our child?

Your husband was initially not a fan of the surrogacy system in the USA because it is also a business model.

That's right - he would have preferred to go down the route of co-parenting or adoption. He is now convinced that we have taken the right path, even if he has problems with commercialization. Surrogacy is a business. You can't argue with that. At the same time, however, it is also clear to me that the women who make themselves available as surrogate mothers must be compensated - especially for the health risks they take. We have also been accused of buying a child.

What was your response to that?

Anyone who wants to can see it that way. But I say: we didn't buy a child, we bought the opportunity to become parents.

How much does surrogacy cost?

For us, it was a low six-figure sum. My husband and I had to save up this money over the years.

What happens if Naël doesn't find out through you that he was born via surrogacy?

I have great respect for the questions that will come one day. At the same time, I hope that we will deal with these issues as normally and openly as possible. Naël will quickly realize in our environment that children with a mom and dad are in the majority. Later on in daycare, other family forms will be added. And he will see that things are different again at home. I'm prepared for questions on this topic to come up soon. And we want to answer them all and not make a secret of his origins. That's why I'm currently working on a photo album for Naël with pictures of our whole family, including the mummy and the egg donor.

How are you currently keeping in touch with the two mothers?

We are in regular contact with both women. A little more with the mummy because we have a stronger emotional bond with her. During our several-week stay in the USA, we spent a lot of time with her and her family.

In this country, surrogacy is prohibited. How difficult was it when you wanted to enter Switzerland with your son?

Everything went smoothly in the USA. Once Naël had his passport - he is automatically a US citizen when he is born there - we traveled back to Switzerland. The legal hurdles are much higher here. Only when it was clear after a test who Naël's biological father was did our son receive a Swiss passport. In Switzerland, unlike in the USA, only the biological father is entered in the birth register. The other father now has to wait a year. Only then, after providing proof of care, can he apply to adopt the stepchildren. This all costs money, time and requires patience.

Sounds complicated.

The procedure in this country is time-consuming. We had already prepared ourselves for months of paperwork. But we were very lucky. No obstacles were put in our way. Unfortunately, it's not the same in all cantons.

You once said that your ideal would be to have two children ...

Yes, that's a dream of mine. But I don't know if I'll be able to go down the same path we did for Naël again. And at some point I think it will be too late in terms of age.

You're 41, your husband is 44.

If we decide to have a second child, it would have to happen in the next two or three years. Because our wish would be for our children to grow up together.

So you are still convinced that becoming a father was the right decision.

My husband and I are still 1000 percent convinced that we did the right thing. Because no matter how tired we come home from work or how sleepless the night was, as soon as Naël smiles at us, everything else is forgotten.