"Mom, please wake up!" Silent suffering - and the truth that nobody wants to hear

Children of depressed parents suffer too. One of those affected tells us what it was like to grow up with a mentally ill mother. If children have to take on responsibility at an early age, it weighs on them for the rest of their lives.

When Andrea S.* (32) thinks back to her childhood, things weren't always as carefree as they should have been growing up. She had to take on responsibility from an early age. "And constantly worry about my mom, even though it was supposed to be the other way around," she recalls when blue News meets her for an interview.

The young woman grew up with her depressive mother Elisabeth S.*, her father was on the road a lot as a truck driver and her little sister had to be kept out of everything. When her mother screamed again, hid in her room or refused to be hugged, Andrea thought she had to deal with it alone.

All of this was difficult for the two girls to understand. "I didn't understand what was wrong with our mom for a long time. She seemed healthy on the outside. But above all, I always had the feeling that she didn't want us to help her." When Elisabeth cried, Andrea tried to comfort her and simply give her a hug. But mom didn't want that.

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There were also good times

Sometimes it didn't take much for Elisabeth to get loud or threaten to hurt herself. If this situation was frightening, her daughter was also worried about the opposite: when her mother barricaded herself in her room. She usually didn't want to go out because people might look at her funny there - Elisabeth was convinced that people only ever talked about her behind her back anyway.

When the two sisters were younger, the situation was different. They felt more loved and cared for, their mother lovingly looked after them, drew with them, read to them, played Barbie or even took them on outings.

"It wasn't all bad all the time, we also had very nice times. Unfortunately, there are no pictures of that because mom didn't want to be photographed." That was also part of Elisabeth's illness.

"We understood that she wasn't well"

Although her mother repeatedly went to therapy and attempts were made to help her, her seizures became more frequent the older her daughters got. "Maybe she realized at some point, when we were no longer toddlers, that we could somehow manage on our own," notes Andrea. But back then, the girls wanted nothing more than for their mother to continue looking after them.

"But we understood that she wasn't well in some way, so we never held it against her if she didn't want to play with us." Andrea's expression darkens and she focuses her eyes on her hands.

"But during all those years, no one ever explained to us what exactly was wrong with mom. The family always kept quiet. It wasn't until I got older that I understood exactly what depression was and what it means when parents suffer from it."

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But the sister duo stuck together. When Elisabeth stayed in bed late in the morning, Andrea would put the box of Corn Flakes on the table for her little sister and get the Znüniböxli ready for her. "Sure, we bickered a lot as children, as you'd expect from little kids, but today we're closer than many other siblings," says Andrea with a smile.

Getting the little ones to talk with tact

Mariano Desole from the Department of Social Work at the ZHAW Zurich University of Applied Sciences confirms that the eldest sibling usually suffers more from the situation than the younger ones. "The younger siblings experience the whole thing less strongly. The older ones usually take on the main burden of the family and protect the younger siblings," says the expert in psycho-social stress in children and adolescents. This is particularly the case when the other parent is away a lot, as in Andrea's case.

How can affected children or young people be helped in an age-appropriate way? "It takes people who realize that a child or young person is not doing well, that something is wrong. And then the necessary tact to speak to those affected." Desole is primarily referring to people who deal with children and young people, whether at school, in training and apprenticeship companies or in a club. "Then action should be taken on a human level and away from a functional level."

Because there are children like that everywhere. Young people in particular "suffer very quietly" and are usually ashamed of the situation at home, which is why they don't talk about it.

Too much of a burden for a child

But they experience everything from an early age - and this affects them and their development. "The earlier a child has such stressful experiences, the greater the impact on their physical and mental development. This manifests itself as insecurity, tension or anxiety." The result is a huge mess of guilt, shame, anger, excessive demands, powerlessness, fear, insecurity and the fear of "becoming like" the affected parent.

In many cases, the children have to take on caring duties, in which case, according to the expert, we are talking about young carers, i.e. young carers who have to take on responsibility at an early age. And that puts a strain on the little ones. "When they're older, they're involved in things like going to the doctor or the authorities, paying bills and the like. They become parentified relatively quickly, which means they take on tasks that parents should or ought to do," says Desole.

Affected children would then take on a great deal of responsibility that they shouldn't actually be taking on. "And that puts an extremely heavy burden on them. Because it's actually the parents' job to protect them from the pressures of life."

Children with depressed parents have an increased risk of becoming ill themselves later on

Growing up as a child of mentally impaired parents leaves its mark. Desole refers to a study that has shown that children with an affected parent have a three to seven times higher risk of suffering from mental illness themselves later on. "If both parents are ill at the same time, the risk increases even more," explains the ZHAW lecturer.

This can also be explained by the fact that the children are then simply confronted with the big and difficult issues of life far too early.

In order to help the children, it is important to make it clear to them that a role shift has taken place and that they have responsibilities that they shouldn't actually have. "But this is extremely difficult because children and young people who have grown up like this find it hard to grasp and are also always very loyal to their parents. After all, their view of things has been built up over many years."

No happy ending for Andrea's mother

Elisabeth was diagnosed with schizophrenia. She had a distorted self-perception, was dissatisfied with herself and couldn't find the joy in life again, as Andrea notes.

In the end, despite everything, the illness won out - and her mother lost the battle. When Andrea was 19, her mother took her own life. Andrea was far away from home at the time, having decided to travel the world at the age of 18.

"The only consolation is that she no longer has to suffer wherever she is now. No matter how much we loved her, she just wasn't well. We will miss her forever," notes Andrea. Looking back, the young woman wishes she had sought and received more support. The necessary help was often lacking for those affected - or it was too difficult to find at the time.

The fact that she still sometimes thinks of her mother with a feeling of resentment bothers her. She would like to forgive her and no longer hold it against her that she left her. But Andrea still finds this difficult.

When the children break free at some point

The expert points out that it is not uncommon for affected children to want to "break out" at some point. "As soon as they reach a certain age, usually after 18, they go away to study or go on a longer trip," says Desole. Then it's simply about them. However, the feeling of having to "look after" their mother or father usually lasts a lifetime.

And if such a "super-GAU" happens and the sick parent takes their own life during this time, it can be assumed that the feelings of guilt can become immense, as the expert points out. "They might then believe that if they had been there, it might not have happened. This could become an enormous burden that may stay with the children for the rest of their lives." In such cases, supportive and therapeutic measures are indicated more than usual in order to be able to properly classify the experience and, as far as possible, overcome the stressful feeling of responsibility.

As adults, affected children are often people who want to take on responsibility everywhere in life. Desole adds: "Wherever there is a neglected responsibility, they go and take it on because they have simply learned to do so." It becomes an integral part of their personality.

Andrea can tell you a thing or two about that, she says. "There's this anger inside me, but not just at what our mother did, there are also so many feelings of guilt mixed in with it that plague me - and the strong wish that I could have helped her somehow." But she was just a little child - and would have liked to just worry about whether or not she would get the new Barbie doll.

*Name known to the editors

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