Interview with a grief counselor "Many morticians would advise parents not to look into the coffin"

The identification of the victims from Crans-Montana VS was completed on Sunday after several days. Grief counselor Katharina Keel explains what the uncertainty means for the relatives - and why it is so important to receive concrete news as soon as possible.

Since the tragedy, the authorities have been working hard to identify the injured and deceased victims. Why is this so important?

Katharina Keel: As long as the parents don't know what has happened to their child and where they are, they can't rest for a second. This is an incredible psychological burden. On the one hand, you assume the worst, but on the other, you still have hope. Our psyche also clings to improbable scenarios: That the child is still alive, that it is even only very slightly injured, that it is fine, and that for some reason it has not yet been able to come forward.

What happens the moment you have certainty?

From that moment on, the path becomes clearer, there is no longer the whole spectrum of possibilities. In addition, you finally know where the child is. Parents want to see their child - regardless of whether they are alive or dead. In the Germanwings crash in 2015, in which an entire school class died, the parents were flown to the crash site in the Alps a short time later. People who were not affected may not understand why they went to see this exact spot. But it was important for the parents.

Why?

If you only hear information, it's not the same as experiencing it. In Crans-Montana, it can be important for the parents to see the bar where their child died. This helps them to integrate what happened into their own reality.

As a grief counselor, what advice would you give relatives right now?

In the first hours and days after such a shock, my main advice is to pay attention to your own physical needs. These are quite banal: Eat something now and then, walk a few steps now and then, sleep for an hour now and then.

Why is that important?

So that the nervous system can calm down a little. A completely overloaded nervous system only makes a bad situation worse.

Many hospitals have care teams that look after the relatives. What exactly is their work?

They provide emergency psychological support. They make sure that no more panic breaks out and try to prevent relatives from endangering themselves by rushing to the nearest hospital, for example. Some relatives feel the need to repeat over and over again what they have just seen and heard - these are care team members who still listen even after the sixth time. They also provide very practical help by organizing hotel rooms for relatives.

Every day you support people who have lost a loved one - often through terrible events. How do you go about it?

First, I sit down with the whole family. We look together at what the situation is like for whom and who has what needs. Grief reactions can be very different. There are people who need to distract themselves immediately: doing sport, getting rid of things or going shopping. For other family members, this is often completely incomprehensible. I then explain that this is also okay.

What are other reactions?

For example, that you are completely fixated on what you have experienced and want to keep retelling exactly what happened and when. Or the opposite: that you are at a loss for words and want to keep to yourself.

And what happens then?

After taking stock, we look at who could provide support. These are often friends of the family who can take on individual tasks. It is also important for the relatives to take action themselves. Something has happened that we had no control over. Is there anything we can actively do now? Make a phone call, go for a walk with someone, prepare something for the funeral? An important question in grief counseling is always: What connects?

What do you mean by that?

Death is always a separation. And because you didn't want to separate, you have to look for connections to your deceased loved one. For example, activities that you associate with him or her. People used to say that you had to let go. Today we know that: As a relative, I have to separate myself from the body and spirit, but I don't have to separate myself from my love for this person.

In Crans-Montana, many families are currently receiving definitive news of a death. What is important here?

The most important thing is to be given the opportunity to say goodbye. This is not always easy in cases involving fire victims. Many morticians would advise parents not to look into the coffin. One way of saying goodbye in this case can be to give the funeral director an item of clothing or a blanket to place in the coffin. Or a letter that you have written. Doing something else loving for your child brings people out of their powerlessness. It is a token of love, an act of care - after all, it is still your own child.

Many of the victims in Crans-Montana come from abroad. Does that make the situation even more difficult for the relatives?

Yes, I myself have also looked after cases where someone has died abroad. The administrative and organizational aspects are particularly difficult. Nevertheless, it is important to transport the deceased back home. In this way, the relatives have a place nearby where they can go to mourn.

They also accompany grieving families in the long term. How can you ever lead a normal life again after such a stroke of fate?

By living through all the feelings, not shutting them down or trying to numb them. In my work, it's not always clear where these people get the strength to carry on living. But I realize that there is a little light in almost everyone that still burns even when everything is dark. For some people this is a faith, for others a community, for others a commitment to a cause. I can see that almost everyone has something.

Many people survived the fire in Crans-Montana, some with only minor injuries or none at all. How do you deal with that?

In grief psychology, there is the concept of survivor's guilt. Some survivors of disasters feel guilty that they survived while others died. The family is usually incredibly relieved, but you can't feel it yourself. This is where sessions with a psychologist or grief counseling can help. However, you don't have to feel guilty if you don't feel survivor's guilt. It is important to express your thoughts.

The whole country is affected by what happened on New Year's Eve. What role does the age of the victims, who were on average 20 years old, play?

When people that young die, it doesn't fit in with the order of death that we all have in our heads. This says that parents must die before their children. What's more, when young people die, we always mourn their entire unlived life.

We are currently experiencing collective grief. Are there valves for this, even if you don't know anyone who died in the fire?

Yes, there are a few things you can do for yourself personally. For example, you can consciously send good thoughts to the victims and their families. You can also find out whether you can donate blood for the injured, which may soon be needed. Or whether you can donate a small amount of money, because the victims' families will probably still have to face high costs.

In Crans-Montana, many lights, flowers and letters are being laid down as a sign of mourning. Why does this actually help?

Because it makes the consternation visible. So everyone can see: Something bad has happened here that we all care about.